I AM NOT WHO I WANT TO BE. I am just Going to keep striving no matter how long it takes. Wish I had that "magic" something that would kick me into high gear. I don't understand how I can want something SOOOOOooooo bad and yet not REALLY do EVERYTHING possible to achieve it. I'm ready for my "One Day's". You know, the "One day I'll be able to walk into any store and buy whatever I want off the rack" "one day". I have a lot of "One day" scenerios. My most important one at this point in time is, "One day, I'll be able to throw all 3 blood pressure medicine's I am on in the trash and never look back"! Only with God's help. Not giving up.
So, with that being said, I've decided to finish each blog post with one thing (or several things) I am grateful for.
I am grateful that God gives us all unique gifts, and that he is allowing me to cultivate and discover more of mine. What is one of your unique gifts? :)
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Ode to THE Woman...
Oh to be the woman that God created me to be. To be the one that inspires me. To be a person that I reverence and love so deeply. To really look at myself and believe that my value is Far Above Rubies. To look beyond my flaws and shortcomings and realize my beauty. To allow God to captivate my heart and revel in his Glory. To consider that walking in shame and doubt is no longer my story. To understand the gifts he poured into me were not mandatory. Answering when he calls me by name...Victory!!
Oh God I want to be this Woman! Less of me and More of you! The Journey continues...
Oh God I want to be this Woman! Less of me and More of you! The Journey continues...
Friday, May 20, 2011
~~~~~~Help Me~~~~~~
All I am able to say right now is....Lord, I need your help! I need you! I need YOu!!! I NEED YOU!!! Chains be gone!! I LOve you Father!! Amen!!Goodnight!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I Must Be Doing Something Right...
With all of the opposition I have been facing lately, I must be doing something right on this road to a healthier Me. It all started last Thursday at my doctor visit...
Actually, let me start by talking about Wednesday. I am a singer, but I have been away from performing for quite some time. About a month ago a good friend of mine convinced me to get over my fear and to take a gig in a show that he was hosting. I had over a month to prepare, and I had a good team of musicians to back/lift me up. It turned out to be a really great show, and I felt the most comfortable I have ever felt in front of an audience in my life. I caught a glimpse of what the woman I am supposed to be looks like. I Loved Her!!
The great night passes and Thursday rolls around. I was on cloud 9, I felt really optimistic and confident. I had caught a glimpse of the woman I loved (me) the night before, and now I was on my way to hopefully get some good news.
It was just supposed to be a follow-up appointment to a gynecological procedure I had 1 1/2 months prior. Because I go to a clinic, every time I have a Dr.s appt I end up with a different doctor. This (young) Dr. did the follow-up, and as I was getting up from the table, she put her hand on my knee and looked me in the eyes with such pity and says, "You really need to lose weight". She continued, "I mean, if you were to get pregnant, assuming that you are even able to because you probably do not ovulate regularly, you would have a lot of complications, you are every obstetricians nightmare, you are too big." I was too annoyed, but what I should have said was, "Do I look like an idiot"? "Do you think I just woke up this morning in this body"? "So you think that you are telling me something new, you are enlightening me"?? Just that look of "pity", not concern that Dr. gave me, infuriated me. I told her that I am working on it, and that its been slow but that I am getting closer to getting things under control. Needless to say, she didn't believe me, she just kept giving her "Save the Beast" speech. She kept trying to push IUD birth control on me, and just had the look of disgust on her face as she spoke to me. I often leave the Dr's. office feeling humiliated, but its worse when you have been really trying to change, and have made progress, but still are met with disdain and pity. I hate it. The tears began to form and I hurried out of the office. I called a few friends, that helped encourage me and told me to just keep making the changes that I have been working on.
The really ironic part to me is that right before the appt. I was in the waiting room and I saw a cute little girl, and promptly texted my boyfriend that I wanted a baby. Not right then and there, but one day. Having a baby has become a big motivation for me to lose the weight. When the Dr. told me that I probably couldn't even conceive because of my weight (with such a lack of compassion) I was devastated. I must be doing something right!
The week moved on, and my mood had gotten better. I had finally decided to focus on a reasonable goal for the month of November. I was going to walk 1 mile everyday in November, just like Chris from A Deliberate Life did when she first started on her weight loss journey. November 1st came and I was on that treadmill even when my boyfriend was too tired to go with me. I went on the 2nd, I was on a roll. November 3rd...yesterday came around, and I was ready to go again when...
The Loving boyfriend told me to get dressed, and that he was taking me somewhere. It was a "surprise". I got dressed, and we were on the road. 3 1/2 hrs later we were at a concert hall (that on any other day would have taken us 45 mins. max. to get to)waiting for a sax concert. Now, I Love my boyfriend, and I appreciated his spontaneity last night, but "surprise"?? When you tell a girl that you have a surprise for her, a girl that you have been with for 7 yrs... it better be good. I wasn't expecting too much, but I guess I WAS expecting something that I could get excited about. I let my plans for the day go to go with him. When he told me to get dressed I was about to start getting dressed for the gym, and I was planning on coming back and eating lunch, and later make dinner for the family. None of that was accomplished. I was so mad at myself. I really felt like I was going to achieve this walking 1 mile a day goal. I am going to get right back out there today but, I can't help but think, that maybe that was sabotage? Not by him, but just something to through me off track because I am finally starting to get "it" together? Like I said...I must be doing something right.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
Actually, let me start by talking about Wednesday. I am a singer, but I have been away from performing for quite some time. About a month ago a good friend of mine convinced me to get over my fear and to take a gig in a show that he was hosting. I had over a month to prepare, and I had a good team of musicians to back/lift me up. It turned out to be a really great show, and I felt the most comfortable I have ever felt in front of an audience in my life. I caught a glimpse of what the woman I am supposed to be looks like. I Loved Her!!
The great night passes and Thursday rolls around. I was on cloud 9, I felt really optimistic and confident. I had caught a glimpse of the woman I loved (me) the night before, and now I was on my way to hopefully get some good news.
It was just supposed to be a follow-up appointment to a gynecological procedure I had 1 1/2 months prior. Because I go to a clinic, every time I have a Dr.s appt I end up with a different doctor. This (young) Dr. did the follow-up, and as I was getting up from the table, she put her hand on my knee and looked me in the eyes with such pity and says, "You really need to lose weight". She continued, "I mean, if you were to get pregnant, assuming that you are even able to because you probably do not ovulate regularly, you would have a lot of complications, you are every obstetricians nightmare, you are too big." I was too annoyed, but what I should have said was, "Do I look like an idiot"? "Do you think I just woke up this morning in this body"? "So you think that you are telling me something new, you are enlightening me"?? Just that look of "pity", not concern that Dr. gave me, infuriated me. I told her that I am working on it, and that its been slow but that I am getting closer to getting things under control. Needless to say, she didn't believe me, she just kept giving her "Save the Beast" speech. She kept trying to push IUD birth control on me, and just had the look of disgust on her face as she spoke to me. I often leave the Dr's. office feeling humiliated, but its worse when you have been really trying to change, and have made progress, but still are met with disdain and pity. I hate it. The tears began to form and I hurried out of the office. I called a few friends, that helped encourage me and told me to just keep making the changes that I have been working on.
The really ironic part to me is that right before the appt. I was in the waiting room and I saw a cute little girl, and promptly texted my boyfriend that I wanted a baby. Not right then and there, but one day. Having a baby has become a big motivation for me to lose the weight. When the Dr. told me that I probably couldn't even conceive because of my weight (with such a lack of compassion) I was devastated. I must be doing something right!
The week moved on, and my mood had gotten better. I had finally decided to focus on a reasonable goal for the month of November. I was going to walk 1 mile everyday in November, just like Chris from A Deliberate Life did when she first started on her weight loss journey. November 1st came and I was on that treadmill even when my boyfriend was too tired to go with me. I went on the 2nd, I was on a roll. November 3rd...yesterday came around, and I was ready to go again when...
The Loving boyfriend told me to get dressed, and that he was taking me somewhere. It was a "surprise". I got dressed, and we were on the road. 3 1/2 hrs later we were at a concert hall (that on any other day would have taken us 45 mins. max. to get to)waiting for a sax concert. Now, I Love my boyfriend, and I appreciated his spontaneity last night, but "surprise"?? When you tell a girl that you have a surprise for her, a girl that you have been with for 7 yrs... it better be good. I wasn't expecting too much, but I guess I WAS expecting something that I could get excited about. I let my plans for the day go to go with him. When he told me to get dressed I was about to start getting dressed for the gym, and I was planning on coming back and eating lunch, and later make dinner for the family. None of that was accomplished. I was so mad at myself. I really felt like I was going to achieve this walking 1 mile a day goal. I am going to get right back out there today but, I can't help but think, that maybe that was sabotage? Not by him, but just something to through me off track because I am finally starting to get "it" together? Like I said...I must be doing something right.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tired of Just Not Doing Anything About Myself!
I need to be MY OWN keeper! It has probably been a whole year since I last blogged. I was so gung-ho about blogging, and documenting my journey, and then one day I just fell off the wagon. This has been a full year of trying to climb back onto the wagon and getting knocked off again, and each time, it being harder and harder to pull my weight back up onto that wagon. I am just sooooo tired of just not doing anything about myself. To help myself. But really, am I really tired? I have been saying that all year long, and still... Why don't I just do something???
Recently, I have been reading so many very informative and inspiring weight loss blogs! It helps so much to read about other people's success, and tips on overcoming struggles. I have always wanted to be a jogger, but being over 400 lbs really makes it hard for me to see how being a jogger can come to fruition. Reading so many inspiring blogs about "it just takes one step at a time", (something I have heard and thought I understood)and seeing these people be living examples of what "one" step can lead to, makes it feel like an attainable goal. I feel like I am ready to start again! I just need a plan.
Money has been an issue for me these past 8 months, and that stress has made it hard for me to focus on my eating and exercise. I am just believing and having faith in God to meet my every need. I want to be a living testimony of his goodness, and faithfulness, and I know he will provide. I have to find something that works for me. I have tried Atkins, Weight Watchers, calorie counting, and they all worked for me at some point, but I need something that I can do for the rest of my life. Weight Watchers seems to be the plan I keep going back to. I will give it another go. From home on my own, until I get the finances to register and attend meetings. Pray for me everyone!! Here I go!
Recently, I have been reading so many very informative and inspiring weight loss blogs! It helps so much to read about other people's success, and tips on overcoming struggles. I have always wanted to be a jogger, but being over 400 lbs really makes it hard for me to see how being a jogger can come to fruition. Reading so many inspiring blogs about "it just takes one step at a time", (something I have heard and thought I understood)and seeing these people be living examples of what "one" step can lead to, makes it feel like an attainable goal. I feel like I am ready to start again! I just need a plan.
Money has been an issue for me these past 8 months, and that stress has made it hard for me to focus on my eating and exercise. I am just believing and having faith in God to meet my every need. I want to be a living testimony of his goodness, and faithfulness, and I know he will provide. I have to find something that works for me. I have tried Atkins, Weight Watchers, calorie counting, and they all worked for me at some point, but I need something that I can do for the rest of my life. Weight Watchers seems to be the plan I keep going back to. I will give it another go. From home on my own, until I get the finances to register and attend meetings. Pray for me everyone!! Here I go!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Diva Dropped!!!
-3.2 lbs that is!! I had my weigh in today...which I was very very late for, but I had a weight loss!! It has been three weeks of weight gain, and this loss feels soooooo good!! Unfortunately how did I celebrate? With a 2 item combo of chinese food...Orange Chicken, Salt and Pepper Fish, white rice and vegetables. Boo!! Fail!! I dunno, I tell myself that Saturday is my "Free Day," the day that I get to eat something that isn't the best for me, but that I have been really really craving. I don't know how healthy that is, but for now, while I am making this transition into living a healthier life, it works. Well...Kinda.
So, back to celebrating! The Chinese food meal is eaten, and that's where the reward ends. I am staring down those last few pounds in the 400's and I really really want out. Saying goodbye to the 400's is my first small goal, and I only have 6.2 lbs to go before I can say, "Adios"!! My focus this week will be on Journaling my food intake. I have a "D" average in food Journaling, and I know how much it would aid in my weight loss if I could just get to that food journal everyday and write it down. Let me tell you...I used to be so good at journaling. I was a food journal Nazi! Seriously, nothing could get past these lips without being written down in that food journal. I don't know why it is so hard this time. I just have to do it, and I know that I can. Food Journaling was even the topic of the meeting today, so it looks like we are all on the same page!! I am going to be as diligent as I can be with journaling this week, and not beat myself up if I am not perfect, and see what happens. Well, I gotta run...one of my good friends is having a show tonight, and if I don't start getting ready I am going to get left!! Smooches! (more to come).
So, back to celebrating! The Chinese food meal is eaten, and that's where the reward ends. I am staring down those last few pounds in the 400's and I really really want out. Saying goodbye to the 400's is my first small goal, and I only have 6.2 lbs to go before I can say, "Adios"!! My focus this week will be on Journaling my food intake. I have a "D" average in food Journaling, and I know how much it would aid in my weight loss if I could just get to that food journal everyday and write it down. Let me tell you...I used to be so good at journaling. I was a food journal Nazi! Seriously, nothing could get past these lips without being written down in that food journal. I don't know why it is so hard this time. I just have to do it, and I know that I can. Food Journaling was even the topic of the meeting today, so it looks like we are all on the same page!! I am going to be as diligent as I can be with journaling this week, and not beat myself up if I am not perfect, and see what happens. Well, I gotta run...one of my good friends is having a show tonight, and if I don't start getting ready I am going to get left!! Smooches! (more to come).
Friday, January 8, 2010
NKOTB
No, not the boy band...its me... the "New Kid On The Blog"!! I remember hearing about this new thing (years ago) called the "Blog" and remember thinking to myself...what an unusual word....it's so Onomatopoeia(ish) sounding. To be honest the word sounds a little like vomiting to me hahaha, but moving along. It wasn't until recently that I really gained interest and discovered this whole world of blogs and bloggers. I love it!! How amazing is it to connect with so many people from all over the world that you would have otherwise never met?
So here I am. "Operation DivaDrop"!!! Yeah, its a weird name (you don't want to know how long it took me to think of a name), but, it works. I am on a journey to "Drop" 228 lbs to regain my life and health!! Just admitting that I need to lose 200+ lbs blows my mind. I can not even wrap my head around the fact that I have the equivalent of a couple of people to lose off of this one body!! I am scared, frustrated, annoyed, and Mad As Hell that I let myself and health get this out of control. I am done messing around!! I have spent my entire...ENTIRE life thus far letting my weight control almost every aspect of my being. I want out of this Prison! I want to live... I want to be the woman that God has given me visions of... Confident, Graceful, Brilliant, Poised, Talented, Fearless, Beautiful inside and out. I guess more importantly I want to learn to see myself through Gods eyes.
I have tried many weight loss programs over many many years, but what seemed to really work for me was Weight Watchers. On my first go at Weight Watchers I lost 95 pounds, but slowly over the course of 7 yrs I gained all of the weight back and it brought 20 more of its friends along with it. So, on October 24, 2009 I joined Weight Watchers Again, and have lost 7.4 lbs in a long, very long 11 weeks, and over the course of three weeks I gained 3.6 lbs. Boo!! I have to work very hard not to be disappointed in myself for only losing 7.4 lbs in such a long period of time, but this is a Lifestyle and not a Diet. I am determined to keep going, and with the help of my friends and family I am going to win this battle, and am looking forward to learning more about myself...my True ME along the way!!
Tomorrow is my big weigh in!! Yay!! Wish me luck!!
Height: 5'11
Weight: 408.4
(inches...to be continued)
So here I am. "Operation DivaDrop"!!! Yeah, its a weird name (you don't want to know how long it took me to think of a name), but, it works. I am on a journey to "Drop" 228 lbs to regain my life and health!! Just admitting that I need to lose 200+ lbs blows my mind. I can not even wrap my head around the fact that I have the equivalent of a couple of people to lose off of this one body!! I am scared, frustrated, annoyed, and Mad As Hell that I let myself and health get this out of control. I am done messing around!! I have spent my entire...ENTIRE life thus far letting my weight control almost every aspect of my being. I want out of this Prison! I want to live... I want to be the woman that God has given me visions of... Confident, Graceful, Brilliant, Poised, Talented, Fearless, Beautiful inside and out. I guess more importantly I want to learn to see myself through Gods eyes.
I have tried many weight loss programs over many many years, but what seemed to really work for me was Weight Watchers. On my first go at Weight Watchers I lost 95 pounds, but slowly over the course of 7 yrs I gained all of the weight back and it brought 20 more of its friends along with it. So, on October 24, 2009 I joined Weight Watchers Again, and have lost 7.4 lbs in a long, very long 11 weeks, and over the course of three weeks I gained 3.6 lbs. Boo!! I have to work very hard not to be disappointed in myself for only losing 7.4 lbs in such a long period of time, but this is a Lifestyle and not a Diet. I am determined to keep going, and with the help of my friends and family I am going to win this battle, and am looking forward to learning more about myself...my True ME along the way!!
Tomorrow is my big weigh in!! Yay!! Wish me luck!!
Height: 5'11
Weight: 408.4
(inches...to be continued)
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